


Harry Potter and the Grenadian expedition

by YouKnowWho



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Academia, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Character(s) of Color, Crossover, Don't Have to Know Canon, Drama, Gen, Genre Savvy, High School, Humor, Light-Hearted, Major Original Character(s), Male Character of Color, Metafiction, Mythical Beings & Creatures, No Fourth Wall, OMC - Freeform, Original Character of Color, Original Character(s), POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Parody, Real Life, Saving the World, Science, Slice of Life, Snark, Supernatural Elements, Teenagers, Trolling, Tropes, Women Being Awesome, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-07 15:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/750253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouKnowWho/pseuds/YouKnowWho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry, Ron & Hermione have been forced to flee Magical Britain and take refuge in a country so tiny, so ignored, that their enemies could never point it out on a map. They're keeping a low profile, fitting in and planning to return and defeat the dark lord.</p><p>That is until two muggles discover their secret.... by looking at them. Turns out these two have read J K Rowling's Harry Potter series. Who could have guessed?</p><p>What follows is a twisting, nonsensical adventure during which the characters make fun of all the conventions of Fan Fiction, Fantasy, Literature and the author himself.</p><p>Set in the later part of the Order Of The Phoenix timeline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Harry, Ron & Hermione are property of J K Rowling.
> 
> My OCs, Omar and Alex, are based on real people. The characters belong to me. The people they're based on don't belong to anyone. (If they did it would be really creepy)
> 
> The setting - Beacon High School - Is my, well, high school.
> 
> The first chapter is pretty normal but as the story goes on it gets less tame, more confusing, more Genre Savvy, more quirky and the fourth wall is pretty much done away with. You have been warned!

Alex threw open the gate to the empty school; banging it against a wall in the heat of his argument. Tempers were flaring, hard feelings were being dragged out, and names were being called. This was most definitely Serious Business.

“No!” Alex shouted. “I refuse! That manga is retarded… and not in the right way!”  
“It’s awesome! There’s fighting and blood and gore and a semi-sensible plot.” Omar replied enthusiastically. “There are vampires, aliens, dead guys and guns.”  
“You can’t just throw a ton of props into a box, shake it, and have a good story come out!”  
“Haven’t you ever watched Comedy Central?” Omar inquired. “That is exactly how you make a good story.”  
“That’s different,” Alex responded. “Comedy Central is _good_. Their writers have passion! Their writers have vision!”  
“Their writers have an infinite supply of Magic Mushrooms.”

During this time they had reached the stairs leading to their classroom. Alex took off his bag and rested it on the step.  
“You have your notebook, right?” He asked. Omar, however, had zoned out.  
“Earth to Omar,” Alex intoned in a robotic voice. “Omar, do you copy? Over.”  
“Shhh!” Omar responded, still seeming distant. “I think I hear people in the class.”  
Alex sighed dramatically.  
“Omar, this is the first week of summer.” He said patronisingly “No one comes to school during summer. The only reason we left home this morning was to work on the book and the only reason we came to the school is because I refuse to go to your house until you get more sorrel jam.”  
“Well I heard something so I’m going to check.”  
“How? It’s summer so the door will be locked.”

Omar ignored him and climbed the stairs into the short hallway onto which their class was joined. He threw open the unlocked door to reveal...  
“AH!” Omar howled, dashing back down the stairs.  
Alex raised his hand and pantomimed the giving of a trophy. “For her performance as the world’s biggest Drama Queen, this year’s Oscar goes to...”  
Omar, however, didn’t have time to be amused. He replied in all seriousness, “Harry Potter is in our classroom.”  
“What?” Alex asked nonplussed.  
“Harry, Ron, Hermione – the gang’s all there.”  
“You do know that they’re all fictional, right?” Alex queried sceptically, wondering if his friend had finally gone off the deep end.  
“Go check!” Omar said, waving in the direction of the hallway.

Alex got up, ascended the stairs, peaked in the classroom and descended them again.  
“Well?” Omar asked impatiently.  
“They’re either the actors from the movie or really good look-a-likes.” Alex conceded. “But there’s no way they’re the real-deal because, as I previously stated, Harry Potter-and-company are fictional.”  
“I’m sure they’re the ones!” Omar said “I can feel it. Just let me find out.”  
“How? You’re just going to go in there and say ‘hey Mr. Stranger; are you the boy-who-lived?’”  
“Of course not! I’m going to be subtle.”  
Alex didn’t believe that for a second. He knew Omar to have all the subtlety of a raging bull elephant but he said nothing. Omar just had to mess up on his own. He sighed. It was hard being the sensible one.

Omar and Alex ascended the stairs once again and entered the classroom.  
“Hi,” Omar said. “My name is Omar and this is Alex. Are you knew students?”  
“Hello,” replied quite-possibly-Harry-Potter. “I’m Harry and these are my friends Ron and Hermione. We’re transferring to this school and the principal asked us to meet her this morning at nine.”  
Harry looked down at his watch. “It’s 9:41.”  
Omar smiled. They probably hadn’t adjusted to Caribbean time. Alex referred to this consistent lateness as ‘coloured people time’ but Omar had found that even white people adopted it after living here long enough. Still, their names were supporting evidence for his wizardry speculation. He just needed a little more information to confirm it.  
“So,” Omar continued. “Where did you transfer from?”  
“Britain” Harry replied.  
“I meant which school.” Omar clarified.  
“You wouldn’t recognise it.” Harry said evasively.  
“Try me.” Omar responded.  
“He said it doesn’t matter.” Said Ron forcefully. He was clearly uncomfortable with the situation.  
Omar was upset with having been cut off but he still had one sure wizard detector left up his sleeve.  
“Where are your parents?” Omar asked. “Shouldn’t they be here to meet the principal?”  
“My parents are dead.” Harry said quite matter-of-factly. “They died when I was very young.”  
“I’m so sorry!” said Omar consolingly. “What were their names?”  
“James and Lily Potter.”  
Omar’s eyes lit up in a way not at all appropriate for having heard someone’s parents were dead as he proclaimed, “I knew you were a wizard!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to have the next chapter up next week. Until then, check out hpmor.com to read another great HP fanfic & tvtropes.org to combat boredom.


	2. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Omar stares down the barrel (shaft?) of a wand and the true nature of the newcomers is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone duck and hide! The real Alex is onto us. If he asks - you know nothing.

Ron flicked out his wand too fast for Omar to react and started the curse “Oblivi-”, only to be cut off by Harry snatching his wand.  
“Firstly,” said Harry as he twirled the captured wand. “That was a terrible duelling grip. Secondly, we can’t just memory charm people on a whim.”  
“But he knows we’re wizards!” Ron protested.  
“It was only an accusation until you pulled out your wand.”  
Ron went red in the face and turned an angry glare on Omar who was feeling an odd mixture of smugness, fear, and indigestion.  
“Besides,” Harry continued. “We need to know what we’re doing that caused us to be outed so easily.”  
Harry turned to Omar expectantly “Well...?”

Omar’s head was spinning with all the stunning revelations and a near memory loss experience so he said the first thing that came to mind: “You’re Harry Potter.”  
Harry cocked his head to the side and intoned sarcastically, “You don’t say? I never would have guessed.” Then, more seriously, “How did you know I was a wizard?”  
“Well from the books and movies and merchandise –” Omar said, the words tumbling out of his mouth. “– And fan fiction and pottermore and posters and television –”  
At that point Alex, who had previously been playing invisible, clamped his hand over Omar’s mouth.  
“You’re not helping!” He hissed. At which point Omar noticed he had made three very dangerous wizards very impatient. He took a deep breath and started over.

“In our world,” He calmly stated. “You’re famous.”  
Unfortunately, this simple statement seemed to confuse Harry even more.  
“How?” He asked exasperatedly. “I don’t do anything unusual in the muggle world!”  
“Well,” said Omar, somewhat embarrassed. “We consider you to be a fictional character. You see there is a series of books written about you, from your first year at Hogwarts to when you kill Voldemort.”  
Omar heard a sharp intake of breath from Hermione at the mention of the name.  
“Voldie isn’t real too, is he?” Omar asked  
Harry nodded.  
“He’s not still alive is he?”  
Another nod.  
   
Omar walked over to a desk and sat on it, holding his head in his hands as the full extent of the situation dawned on him. He had wizards – _WIZARDS!_ – in his classroom threatening to cast spells on him and they were being followed by the baddest of all dudes – He Who Must Not Be Named.  
“I need a drink.” Omar muttered.  
“There’s no booze here.” Alex said, looking around.  
“Not alcohol – water.”  
“Why?”  
“I just realised that I missed a great opportunity for a spit-take.”  
This startled a laugh out of Hermione.  
“Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week!” Omar declared with a flourish.  
Alex rolled his eyes dramatically.

By now Harry had had enough.  
“Stop that!” He shouted angrily. “Now please explain that stuff about us being fictional.”  
“Right! That stuff.” Omar continued. “What happened was that a lady by the name of J. K. Rowling wrote a series of seven novels with you three in them – the aforementioned Harry Potter books. The books turned out to be a huge success, thus spawning the aforementioned movies, merchandise, fan fiction and pottermore.”  
“You say ‘aforementioned’ a lot.” Ron noted.  
“I’m trying to sound smart.” Omar replied  
“You’re failing.” Alex interjected  
“Yes, well, what does aforementioned mean?” Ron asked  
“I would answer that,” said Omar. “But there’s someone here who could do a much better job than me. Hermione, if you’d please?”  
“Aforementioned – referring to a thing or person previously mentioned.” Hermione stated  
“Wow.” Said Omar. “She just out-nerded me. I feel cool by default.”  
“You’ll never be cool.” Alex pointed out.  
“Shut your face!” Said Omar vehemently.

“If we could _please_ get back on track.” Said Harry as he quickly lost all remaining patience.  
“Ah, yes.” Omar continued. “This enormous mega-franchise has successfully blazed your image into the minds of every child – and quite a few adults – in the English speaking world.”  
“I need to read these books.” Harry muttered.  
“I have the whole set at my house.” Omar stated.  
“Bring us there.” Harry Demanded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter next Saturday.
> 
> Today's recommended fic is A Flash of Gold and Fire by dioxazinepurple at: http://archiveofourown.org/works/691002/chapters/1269645
> 
> This weeks boredom killer is http://bettermyths.com/


	3. Of hawks and cats

“I can’t.” Omar stated. “My mother and brother would recognise you immediately. I’m not sure about my dad....”  
“Isn’t there any way you can sneak us past your mum and dad?”  
“Nope. They have eyes and ears like a hawk.”  
“Do hawks even have ears?” Alex mused.  
“I think so but I’m not sure if they’re good.” Omar replied  
“Then you used the wrong simile.” Alex protested.  
“Well, what simile should I have used?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe ‘ears like a cat’?”  
“So you think I should have said ‘eyes like a hawk and ears like a cat’?” Omar asked sceptically.  
“Well, it’s better tha-”  
 **“WILL YOU TWO _SHUT UP?_ ”** Harry shouted loudly enough to be heard across the school. **“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”**

Harry was a hair’s breath away from flipping the table, stupefying both of them and kicking their inert bodies. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. These two muggles defiantly rubbed him the wrong way.  
“Calm down.” Said Ron smiling. “These two are ace! I can’t believe I ever thought about memory charming them.”  
“Yeah,” added Hermione. “It’s all in good humour.”  
Harry sighed. He decided he was fine with it. It was just so hard being the sensible one.

“Well,” said Omar during the lull in conversation. “I’m hungry.”  
He shrugged his bag off his shoulders and pulled out a foil-wrapped sandwich, which he proceeded to tear open.  
“I’ve never seen a Jew eat that much bacon.” Alex noted.  
“I’m not a Jew.” Said Omar. “I’m just as black as you are.”  
“I’ve seen you in accounts class.” Alex stated  
“That’s just a dumb stereotype!”  
“Doesn’t make it less true.”  
Omar continued to eat his sandwich, making a conscious effort to ignore Alex.

“Now you’ve gone and made me hungry.” Alex stated abruptly. He got up and went outside to grab his bag.  
Omar turned to Ron and said, “When he comes back, turn his bag into a toad.”  
Alex flitted back into the classroom, swinging his bag in his hand. “My sandwich may not be bacon but it is pretty –OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?” Alex screamed, flinging an enormous toad against the wall where it turned back into a bag. Meanwhile Omar and Ron had been laid low by a fit of giggles.

“You should have seen the look on your face!” Ron cackled. “Was like you’d bloody well seen a ghost!”  
He threw his head back in laughter.   
“Well,” Alex explained. “Amphibians are my mortal enemy – them and yaoi fan girls.”  
“That reminds me!” Said Omar, abruptly ending his laughter. “You should see some of the fan fiction about you guys.”  
“I don’t think you should mention Harry Potter fan fiction in the presence of the real Harry Potter.” Alex warned. “You might tear a hole in the space-time continuum.”  
“Alex, magic is loose in the world, violating Newton’s laws with a wooden stick. I don’t think we should worry about the space-time continuum.”  
“The space-time continuum was Einstein.”  
“I know that!” Omar said before turning to Ron. “Did you know there’s a slash fan fic that has Ron/Harry/Fred/George/Sirius/Snape?”  
“What do you mean by slash?”  
“It’s... um... well... intercourse.” Said Alex  
“Ew!” Shouted Ron, twisting his face in revulsion. “Fred and George are my brothers!”  
“That’s not the half of it!” Omar continued. “There’s a whole series dedicated to shipping Harry/Hedwig.”  
“And shipping is?”  
“Intercourse.” Alex interjected.  
“Bloody hell....” Ron whispered, his eyes widening. “I don’t think I’ll be able to get that picture out of my mind....”  
“And we’re fresh out of brain-bleach too.” Alex commented.

“On top of that,” Omar continued. “There’s a story with Hermione as Sailor Britain.”  
“Alright, that’s just messed up!” Alex stated. “The Sailors are all celestial bodies. They can’t be islands!”  
“Why do you know this?” Omar asked.  
Alex gave him the look of a man who had seen too many of his friends die and stated simply “Fan fiction changes a man.”  
“Anyway,” Omar continued. “The reason it’s written that way is because it’s a cross over between Harry Potter, Sailor Moon, Hetalia and Assassin’s Creed.”  
“Why Assassin’s Creed?”  
“How should I know? All I’m sure about is that it’s really lemony.”  
“Lemony...?” Ron asked.  
“Look.” Said Alex. “From now on, whenever you hear a new, fan fiction related word: assume intercourse.”  
By now the three wizards were looking intensely uncomfortable – especially harry.  
Omar looked at Harry and frowned. “What’s wrong with you?”  
“My scar.” Harry grunted. “It burns.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter scheduled for 2013-4-27
> 
> In the meantime all science lovers should check out youtube.com/user/DNewsChannel


	4. Visionary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Harry sees a vision of Voldemort and Omar finds out why everything is so weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the lateness. Internet was acting up.
> 
> Shout out to the anonymous fan who keeps leaving kudos. Sign up!

Harry stood frozen in place. He wasn't sure where he was or what he was watching. He wasn't even sure if he had a body or was just a swivelling point of view. What he could see was even weirder: Voldemort was surrounded by a half circle of grovelling Death Eaters. The only thing that was certain was the Voldie was furious.  
"You let them escape!" He screamed with a voice that could shatter glass. "All of them! The boy, the mudblood and you-" He turned to address Bellatrix directly. "You let your dear old cousin get away!"  
"My lord-" Bellatrix began, only to be cut off as the dark lord shouted "Crucio!"

Bellatrix dropped like a stone. Her body contorted under the weight of the torture spell. After ten seconds Voldemort removed the curse. Bellatrix tried again.  
"It wasn't my fault my lord. He-"  
"Wingardium Leviosa" Voldemort cried, lifting Bellatrix into the air. He then proceeded to throw her into one of the damp stone walls which enclosed them.  
"I do not accept failure." He told all his assembled minions. The Death Eaters shuffled awkwardly. They had known his condition was volatile but this was extreme. One of them, most likely Bella, would probably die here.

However, Voldemort surprised them. "I am giving you all a chance to redeem yourselves. We know that Sirius brought them westward so seek them out. Bring me the boy and as for anyone in his company..." -The Dark Lord's face contorted into a hideous grin- "Kill them."

***

While Harry was busy having an out-of-body experience, Ron and Omar were debating the merits of waking him up.  
“...and how would you even plan to do it?” Ron inquired.  
“I don’t know,” replied Omar. “I could slap him-“  
“You’re not slapping my mate!”  
“I could pour cold water on him.”  
“I think I read somewhere that that was a bad idea.”  
“Since when do you read?”

While this argument was taking place, Hermione pulled out her wand and whispered “enervate.”  
Harry jolted up and sat ram-rod straight, rendering further debate unnecessary.  
“Well that’s convenient.” Said Omar. “Thanks Hermione.”  
“It’s odd,” Alex mused, “That the spell for waking someone up is ‘enervate’ when the English verb to enervate means to drain someone of energy – like dementors do. Shouldn’t the word be ‘innervate’?”  
“Magic is weird.” Omar replied. “So, Harry, what happened?”  
Harry described for them exactly what he had seen in all its terrifying detail.

“Well,” Alex began, taking on his role as resident cannon expert. “It is clear that this vision was a result of Voldemort’s extreme anger, which was directed at Bellatrix and company. It can also be assumed that divergence from cannon occurred when Sirius black survived the battle that was supposed to kill him. Thus, we are living in an alternate universe.”  
“Hold on a second.” Omar said, taking time to process these plot-related revelations. “You mean we’re in a fan fiction.”  
“Maybe.”  
“Do you think the writer will give me a taco?”  
“I estimate that it is approximately one million times more likely that he’ll kill us off for drama than give you Mexican food.”  
“Why are you assuming that the writer’s a guy? Most fan fiction writers are girls.”  
“We’ve managed to go three chapters without humping each other or saying ‘desu’, so chances are it’s a dude.”

During this bizarre conversation, the three wizards pondered what to do. If the Death Eaters were indeed after them, they’d need a plan of action. To further complicate things, Harry, the designated leader, was still suffering from a migraine. It was just a matter of time before the Death Eaters found them. Things were not looking up.

“What’s your problem?” Omar asked the distressed wizards.  
“In case you haven’t noticed, the Dark Lord is after us.” Ron snapped.  
“We still have time, right? Where are they heading first?”  
Harry concentrated. “They seem to be going to Canada.”  
“You see?” Omar said, smiling. “That’s a big place to search. Are there even wizards in Canada?”  
“Yes.” Hermione answered. “They even have two schools: _Royal Canadian School of Sorcery_ in Ontario and _l'Académie Bois Blanc_ in Quebec.”  
“Ew!” Alex cried. “French wizards! Are spells in French any different to spells in English?”  
“Well,” said Omar. “Every spell sounds kind of latinish so I’m guessing no-”  
“I've got it!” Harry exclaimed victoriously. “I know what to do about the death eaters!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week's boredom killer is Project Gutenberg. Here you can download hundreds of thousands of free books for your desktop, mobile, e-reader or tablet.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! It helps motivate me to write more.


End file.
